The Day the Schlinks Stood Still

By Le_Moyne_de_Morgues (La Royale, Jean Randier, p.31)

I think there’s room for both private exploration and group work in Yoga. (Sting)

Trust Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner to come up with something like this. Mind you, it’s a valid point, however this is light years away from what lies within the interests of Schlockanoids, and it’s included here only to have the popular singer’s name tagged in this post and hopefully cyber cheat a couple of extra hits in the process.

Then again, maybe Sting is not the ideal choice for that.

Anyways.

John Lennon (now that’s more like it) crooned about a certain Lucy whose best friends resided in the sky. He always denied the connection between Lucy-Sky-Diamonds and LSD and everybody believed him. NASA, of all people, proved him right because the heavenly drug of choice is NOT LSD but cocaine. CHECK THIS ONE OUT.

No wonder then that Robo Trek was invented. Robonaut 2, or R2, as he is known to close acquaintances, is immune to the allure of the white dust and thus more reliable. Also, considering that it consists of a mere head, torso and pair of arms, it cost $2.5 million to build and this impinged not a little on the recreation budget. No more fancy mind-altering stuff and anti-gravitational nights out- it’s back to Gin Rummy and Tiddlywinks.

Or Planetspotting. According to data acquired by NASA’s Kepler space telescope there could be billions of Earthlike planets in the Milky Way galaxy and thus the chances of having extraterrestrial intelligent life are increased dramatically. God knows if we are in dire need of more Dr Spocks.

Who sing about big hairy feet.

And who are hopefully fans of Michelangelo and Steven Spielberg rather than Tim Burton.

By Tama Leaver

Speaking of which, io9 published a list of great ET spoofs.  Check it out. Do yourself a favour and do not disclose how many of them you have actually seen. And yes, E.T. porn is included and even though it’s nobody’s business but mine, I am attending therapy sessions.

[Sigh.]

Here is the one about Kleeborp.

Image: Orchi

One need not go all the way to a galaxy far, far away to experience the thrill of discovery. There are always tropical rain forests and godforsaken jungles for some good old-fashioned perilous expeditions. Lurking amongst arboriculture that’s gone haywire there might be dinosaurs, for instance, which are just as cool. Look at what horror guru Mick Garris has to say about Irwin Allen’s 1960 adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World. This film is awesome because instead of using models and stop motion animation, the special effects team actually stuck fins and props to real lizards and then filmed them!

IT’S METHOD ACTING LIZARDS, MAN!!!! (Eat your heart out Mr Brando!)

And if it’s not a land that time forgot, it can be a loch in Scotland (ok, I see the similarities too) which houses a creature whose sporadic sightings and much-debated practical use in the grand scheme of things, made it become the stuff of legend. It’s not Ewan McGregor but Nessie, the aquatic perplexity that is at the moment a Disney-in-the-making.

Following more or less the same trajectory, Glendon Mellow has an ubersome cool site full of ubersome cool drawings and paintings collectively known as Art in Awe of Science. There are numerous extrapolations/hybrids of extinct beasts and humanoids that are so high on the WOW factor.

One can explore the sky, one can explore the land but what about the ocean? This is one of the most exciting things ever: if you CLICK HERE, you will find an article detailing how a certain species of algae ‘insinuate themselves into salamander embryos’ allowing them to breathe underwater. If it is possible with salamanders, why not with humans? And as we speak, I bet that James Cameron is knocking on the door of the nearest cosplay shop for that Aquaman costme that nobody ever rents.

And with that, I am going to end this month’s Schlinks. To round things up, here is a gratuitous video tutorial of how to make an origami swan:

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Faerie Schlinks

Once upon an island, not so far away, a horse-featured prince/duke married a beautiful young lady, daughter of parents, who amongst other things, give a 10% discount on Justin Bieber-themed parties. The entire kingdom, and the lands beyond, were transfixed to their LCD Wide Colour Gamut-CCFC crystal balls to witness the joyous event. The bride and groom were so in love that they decided to get off before the going away, to the utter aural stupefaction of the frowning flower girl.

The jubilant royal couplet, determined on being one with all the social strata in their kingdom, refrained not from having a Cthulhu-themed princess displaying a headpiece that subtly hints at the mighty antediluvian deity.

If saccharine tales are not really your cuppa, if you look for more engaging stories with bare-chested men and bare-breasted females (sort of), then you might want to check the Deppster’s forthcoming Pirates of the Caribbean film, the fourth one in the series, complete with evil pirates, treasure and mermaids.

Or else you might want to check a similar film that is different from the one above in one important way… it’s actually very good.

Your idea of a fairy tale might contain orcs, dragons and vertically-challenged glorified gnomes with hairy feet, in which case you’d definitely want to Like-Click Peter Jackson’s Facebook page. It is constantly being updated with the latest Hobbit film goodies.

If you are more partial towards scantily-clad female Brazilian singers who are the bastard children of Shakira, Jesus and Clinton Paul’s artistic director, then you HAVE to devote a few minutes watching this music video. (Priceless moment: Vixen on motorbike rescuing a half-naked hunk from Matrix agents.) Strictly speaking, it is sword and sorcery, not fairy tale; but hell, whoever made this must surely inhabit the land of nine-hued rainbows and fornicating unicorns.

Speaking of which: Screwnicorns! (Kidding you not I am.)

Alas, chivalrous men in shining armour and heroic underdogs will soon be waived aside by the ruthless arm of science. According to the Guardian, nefarious villains might become a thing of the past. No more slicing through giants’ innards, or fearlessly braving intimidating castle walls. All you gotta do is pop one of these pills in the evil queen’s cider and, hey presto!, the dark side is annihilated.

But let us not conclude this schlinks on a bleak note. Over at io9 there is a beautiful gallery of pictures depicting the land of faerie, and Maltese artist Lisa Falzon has some stunning images inspired by fairy tales, this being my absolute favourite.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Gorillas and Reptiles and Cross-Dressing Oh My!

Yes, we'll be performing on a pirate ship.

Schlock Troupe will be back on the stage in just over a week’s time, as Pete, Bettina and Teodor perform in the Burlesque Monster Cruise, taking place on May 6, 7, 8 at The Black Pearl in Ta’ Xbiex.

The sketch, tantalisingly entitled ‘Gorno’, will feature a mix of bawdy, politically-incorrect humour as it tells the tale of Sheik Shake (Pete) and Svetlana Hornikova (Bettina). Supposedly on their second honeymoon, the couple have unresolved issues, and not all of them have to do with blown-up cultural differences. But will the Psychologist (Teodor) – who chains the couple up in the belly of a cruise ship in an attempt at avant-garde healing – prove to be the saving grace of the marriage, or its downfall?

Schlock made quite an impression on the crowds last year, with a sketch entitled ‘The Gorilla and the Pussy’. Here’s hoping that Gorno will up the stakes! In the meantime, here’s a video.

For tickets, send an email to email on dazzlent@gmail.com or call/sms 79911200. Alternatively, you can give us a shout out on the event’s Facebook page.

In case you couldn’t tell from the above, the show is rated 18.

We’re Moving!

Schlock Magazine will be moving to new servers starting today so there might be a few niggles along the way. If the site disappears for a while, don’t run for the panic button. We’ll be back shortly. :-)

Benjamin Jones: The Erotic Schlinks of Unreason

By SuicideGirls from Los Angeles, CA, USA (Prussia2) via Wikimedia Commons

From the pages of Benjamin Jones’s diary, teenager no more.

—–Z—–

28th March, 2011
04:03:56:99am

I hereby declare that as of this day, hour, minute, second and millisecond (I won’t go into nanos), I am a premature adult (I’ll be eighteen in a couple of months, so…) I will no longer be fettered to a perpetual state of teenage angst (stemming from the fact that I am still a virgin), frustration (primarily sexual) and clumsiness (sexual too). I will act cool (despite the river of viscous pus oozing down my face), exude charm and, most of all, be realistic. This means that:

  • I will not become a Music God;
  • I will not win the World Cup with the England team (about time I ditched that one);
  • I will not marry Megan Fox and we will not live happily and nakedly together on a private beach in the Dominican Republic;
  • I will listen to Black Eyed Peas, Katy Perry and Rihanna instead of Foxtrot Bravo, Anna Calvi and Arctic Monkeys;
  • I will read James Patterson and Dan Brown instead of Lovecraft and Mieville;
  • I will be cool and detached, a young Bogart in the making (but without the fag cigarette).

04:14:26:62am

Antonio Banderas makes a cool Bogart too. Always surrounded with hot women.


04:17:44:27am

Fuck it. Howard Phillips Lovecraft is awesome. There is a sex shop that carries his name.

We put the Love in Lovecraft, baby.

04:38:29:82am

Lol. I also found Necronomicox.

05:12:54:39am

REALITY CHECK

1.    Sexy women are like expensive cars: they are sleek, smooth, sensuous and they belong to someone else. Bye bye Megan Denise Fox and WE HATE YOU Brian Austin Greene. (Nonetheless, my right hand and I will always cherish the thespian challenge you embraced in this scene, Ms Fox.)


2.   I could well possibly be a latent homosexual. Or a zombie fucker. Because the only people I know who love the stuff I dig are either my (male) mates or females who look like extras from a Lucio Fulci film. I might want to learn this by heart, the Zombie Sex Guide. (CROTCH ROT?  SERIOUSLY???)

3.   Sci-fi/fantasy/horror writers, please note: I do not know which planet you inhabit, or what privileges your revered status entitles you to, but please, please, please, PLEASE STOP INCLUDING HOT, SEXY WOMEN IN YOUR STORIES. These women do not share my universe, they are merely tissue fodder, and if by any freak chance one of them had to come my way, she wouldn’t even touch me with her lasso. (This one’s for you, you dirty, traitorous amazon princess, regular companion in my XXX-rated dream dramas.)

4.   I respect and support this cosplay initiative too.

5.   I am not that hot either.

6.   I suck with girls. And not in a good way. For instance, last Wednesday, I was at David’s party and I tried to fit in with his sexy sister’s (Kate) crowd. They were talking about sex and gross things they come across whilst surfing the net. I told them about E.T. porn.

Bad move.

Even David refuses to talk to me now.

7.   I am never going to have sex. Ever. Unless I can summon a cool, sexy demon.

8.   Damn him. Even HE got the hot zombie. He’s gay ffs.

9.   Ah well. Most probably, my life will one day be chronicled here.

06:43:18:79am

Time to get ready for school.

New word for the day: COCKSNOT

Schlock Update!

First off, we hope you’re enjoying our new issue!

We’re ready to announce some changes in our weekly schedule. In an attempt to make our content more streamlined and excellent, as of today the Schlock team will now present THREE pieces of flash fiction each week, with a regular dose of Sunday blogs and other weekend goodies.

So be sure to check back every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday for new content!

Further developments will be announced soon.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave feedback.

The Schlock team

Edg@r @ll@n Poe (Poe Week)

Edgar Allan Poe
is looking forward to seeing THIS project come to fruition.
17 minutes ago · Like · Comment

R Corman hmmm
16 minutes ago · Like

Edgar Allan Poe why?
15 minutes ago · Like

R Corman sounds like another sherlock holmes
13 minutes ago · Like

Edgar Allan Poe :/
9 minutes ago · Like

@therealPoe

worth inventing detective fiction just for this #batman http://poe.ea/eGFthYU

RT@HumpTheDump: very special guest for my autobiographical short – AWESOME WORK DUDES!!!!

@HopFrog dude i think ull find sthing 4 u here #merch http://poe.ea/tr6GYtoH

o_O speechless NSFW

@therealPoe u r sick man! hurled my cheerios on mah keyboard… arsehole

@therealPoe AWESOMEMAN!!!! DETH METAL RULES!!!

@therealPoe wer those real ded ppl?

@lenoRe759 r u serious?

@lenoRe759 retard

@therealPoe come on Man Utd!!!

@therealPoe have u heard dis? : http://poe.ea/weG6juIo

RT@buriedalive: have u heard dis?

Edgar Allan Poe
had a great night in great company and GREAT BEER.
10 minutes ago · Like · Comment

A Lee xxx
9 minutes ago · Like

Nev R Moore gr8 prty. huge hangover.
9 minutes ago · Like

Prospero dude dressed s little red riding hood freaked me out
7 minutes ago · Like

Nev R Moore @Prospero DUDE??????
6 minutes ago · Like

Prospero yeah. saw pencil stache.
5 minutes ago · Like

Nev R Moore sick
2 minutes ago · Like

@therealPoe

RT@buriedalive: found dis 2

@schlockmagazine keep on trying dudes. doin a good job.  wasn’t easy for me either : http://poe.ea/juTY8oGb

creepy & cool in equal measure

@therealPoe u still ded motherfucker

@usher19 please refrain from using inappropriate language on my thread

@therealPoe suck my maggoty one

@usher19 you are forcing my hand. i will block you.

@therealPoe face d facts man : http://poe.ea/rytUY7gt

@therealPoe & quit saying EVERMORE in all ur crap poems. it’s LAMMMMEEEEE

love james mason #poevids

Edgar Allan Poe
is tired. Tiem to sleep.
36 minutes ago · Like · Comment

H P L gnight
27 minutes ago · Like